General Musings

Giving myself time every week.

I have decided, and it won’t be easy, to commit to giving myself at least one evening/day every week to do something for me.

This boils down to me realising that if I really want to be able to reflect, move forward and make decisions I also need to dedicate some time to me every week, whether it  is a whole day, a 1/2 day or just an evening it is just important that I find that time.

This basically feeds into one of my resolutions, objectives, for 2017 to get back in to doing some hobbies that I love and really just giving myself some me time, still being a little selfish.

It doesn’t really matter what I am doing. As long as it is something I want to do; reading, writing, learning a language…just anything!

But I need to be really resolute about it though and do it.I so often just let myself get distracted, or pulled along in other waves. So no, no to distraction, no to feeling annoyed because I haven’t got something I wanted done ,and just no to not supporting myself. I will give myself time, and I will make that time happen.

General Musings

Is life hitting me with signs?

I am coming to the end of 2016, and I am starting to look back, reflect, evaluate on what has been unquestionably a strange year. A year with great highs and deep lows.

And I wonder, did certain things happen to give me a sign, a shake up,  a call to action and have I ignored them and only now looking back do I realise that I should be taking more heed?

Firstly, the highs; moving out into our first home, doing well at work and getting a promotion, standing up as a bridesmaid for my friend, feeling generally happy and satisfied in my personal life.

But then there are the lows, or rather the signs; in April of this year me and C went on a holiday to the Lake District, had a lovely time overall except we happened to find a person who had died, while we were on a walk.We did what we could, called the emergency services, talked to the police but there was nothing to be done for the poor person as it appeared to be a heart attack. It was a strange incident. Really unsettled us, but also just made you realise that life is short and you never know what is going to happen.

It was probably about then that I decided to make a career change, move on, really try to get back on to something I wanted to do, but I applied for other things and also let practicality take over and went for an internal job at work within my team as it was one of those ‘stupid not to do it’ moments. And I got the job which meant a promotion and a pay rise, all lovely things and I was pleased but it felt kind of hollow.

Then literally a week after accepting the job (perhaps even less when I think about it) I started getting ill, like really ill out of the blue, no cause.

Of course about five weeks later, and botched Dr’s appointments, I then ended up in hospital which led to my Ulcerative Colitis diagnosis. Which is fine, it’s sorted (sort of – currently in remission) and I have come back to work. But I am not feeling satisfied or enjoying it.

Perhaps I am being ungrateful, selfish? But I really can’t help but think that I had two pretty big events happen in my life this year that reinforced that life, mortality, is short and fragile and should you really spend your days being unhappy for the sake of being practical.

So I am looking back and looking to 2017 and I feel life is hitting me with the signs that I need to make a change, need to act and stop being afraid to take a risk to be happy. I don’t want to make it three times the charm after all.

General Musings, Uncategorized

Reflections for a New Year

I have been reflecting back on the year just been and what I have taken from 2015. 2015 was definitely not my worst year by any means, but it wasn’t my greatest, though to be honest I am never entirely sure which year was – perhaps my first ever year that I don’t remember?? But I digress, while not as stellar perhaps as I wanted 2015 to be or hoped it would be it had some great moments for me that I am not leaving it on a low.

  1. Seeing the Foo Fighters – definitely in my top 10 moments of the year they were absolutely spectacular and I had an amazing night seeing them at MK Stadium with C in Sept.
  2. Getting healthy & losing 1 and a half stone! This is the healthiest and fittest that I have felt in a very, very long time and I am not even done yet as I haven’t reached my target weight. I am so proud of myself for the weight I have lost and the lifestyle changes I have made, yes I have off days and even weeks, but I am human and as long as I keep believing in myself and trying for success I know that I will succeed.
  3. Feeling in a place with C to begin looking for our first home. While our purchase is going slowly and it is frustrating and stressing the hell out of me I am still staying on the side of positive, at least we are able to buy a house and move in together. It has been forever in the offing and we are finally – after so many years of waiting – in that position! So that is a great bonus.
  4. Our little holidays – the first down in Brixham in May – it was only a short break – less than a week – but it was one we needed and I enjoyed it very much being by the seaside. The Christmas Market weekend, Manchester was lovely and I wouldn’t rule out going to visit the city again.
  5. Being in the same job for over a whole year – this is a weird one I know, but in the past few years I have been on so many short non-permanent contracts, or in internships that it really was hard to feel settled and feel as if I was accomplishing anything. But I completed my first year at my current job in Sept. I may not be in quite the exact job that I want to be, but I do enjoy it and it is a good job and I have actually been able to see the end result of my work, which gives a great sense of accomplishment.
Honestly, I had many more great moments, lots of other little adventures and memories in the year, such as CATS, hanging out with friends and family, but these are the things for me that stand out from 2015.
I am however looking forward to the New Year and the promise of 2016 and what I want to achieve in 2016. I have things that I want C & I to achieve as a couple; like move out into our own place, go on holiday, put aside savings and perhaps actually set a wedding date! But – what do I want? What personal goals do I have, do I want to set myself?
  1. Be a little selfish – this isn’t as bad as it sounds. I am very good at giving my time to others, volunteering, going above and beyond, helping them to achieve their goals dreams or doing things when they want that I often end up feeling overrun, overused and under appreciated,  as I don’t allow any time for me, or let my opinion be known and get frustrated because I am doing something I don’t really want to do. I still want to be a giving person in 2016 and for me being kind and helpful are very important but I also need to realise that I have to be a little selfish and do some things my way and on my own time to be able to give that 100% when its needed.
  2. Don’t be scared to fail – I have to worry less about perfection, I love doing and trying new things, that isn’t the part that scares me. But often I let my creativity and my desire to start a poem, painting or create some DIY get overrun by my fear of it being a failure or not ending up the way I want. My goal in 2016 is to get past this, make the mistakes and realise that sometimes that ‘mistake’ is better than the perfect I was picturing.
  3. Blog better – I have promised myself that I will blog better this year, be more consistent with updates and regular with posts – I have also been thinking of a blog challenge for myself ….and have a few ideas.
  4. Take more photos – I love photography. It’s one of my favourite things in the whole world and I have been neglecting it over the past few years as I just haven’t had the time or inclination but my goal for 2016 is to get back into it, re-embrace it and rekindle what I love about photography.
  5. Keep on with healthy. I may be feeling good and proud of myself but I will not get complacent and will keep pushing, staying healthy and setting myself goals.
  6. Final thing – and perhaps more of a wish than a resolution, go abroad. I haven’t been out of the UK in five years. I need to see somewhere else in 2016 to sate my travel itches.

Well, this was a long post, but I hope that you will stay with me in 2016 and that I get to reflect back in 2017 on a great year spent with you all.